Drabble Fic - Behind Closed Doors (13.12)

[madebyme_x]

Title: Behind Closed Doors
Summary: 13.12 Drabble. Some things Sam can only do behind closed doors.
Rating: PG13
Genre/Spoilers: Gen. Season 13 spoilers.
Warnings: Unbeta'd
Word Count: 100
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural that privilege belongs to CW, Kripke and Co, I'm simply borrowing them for a while. I'm not making a profit, this is just for fun and all the standard disclaimers apply.


Behind Closed Doors

Sam told Rowena and the world didn't end, and he didn't crumble. Dean would listen, and maybe he would understand why Sam gave Rowena that page; it isn't all because of Mom and Jack. It runs deeper than that.

He opens his mouth, but the words don't come; always skirting around the edges, but never quite to the heart of it.

Sam leaves the kitchen because he has to. His back slides down the wood of his closed bedroom door as he tries to cram the cage memories back where they belong; behind the warded triple-locked door in his mind.



A/N: I loved this episode. I truly did. I love it when Show goes from comedy in one scene, to decidedly not comedy in the next (we have a history of doing this very well, and it's great to be reminded of that!) I loved adorable love-hexed Dean, the brotherly fight on the impala, the wonderful return of Rowena, the scenes with Sam and Rowena about Lucifer trauma, the brotherly emotional scenes, the glimmer we got of badass!Cas (I'm guessing that Lucifer isn't really dead), and the dread of wondering what Rowena is going to do with these recently freed powers of hers. I would love to see Rowena get revenge on Lucifer, and for Sam to be a part of it too (or at least be there). A girl can dream, can't she? As always I'd love to hear your thoughts too; on the episode, on the drabble, on everything (just no spoilers please). Take care :)
                                                                                                                                   

Comments

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

Oh SNAP, just working on a drabble for this very thing. Yours is beautiful in it's agony. A stark reminder that for every sentence Sam speaks he's dealing with a memory that's battering his mind and he can't quite escape it. Gorgeous work hun x I will be intrigued to see what you think of mine x

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Thank you, lovely!! I really wanted to focus on Sam here, and how he sort of skirted around what he and Rowena were discussing, without actually talking about it, and I like the idea that he just doesn't quite know how to share it. I'll definitely swing y your drabble - yay!! Take care.x

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

For a man with so many words and such expressive thoughts, it's such a shame that this one thing remains locked away when really he needs to lance it, let it out, as it were x

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! I hope he gets a chance to revisit it later on in the season, and maybe get a bit of closure too. Take care.x

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Hee I recognise that comment... :D I love the drabble - the idea that Sam might have considered spilling everything to Dean but that a lifetime of suppression was too much for him...or that just the sheer horror of remembering would be too much.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I know!!! I think I posted pretty much the same thing on a lot of people's episode posts today!!! Yes, I love the idea of Sam not quite being able to vocalize it all to Dean, and I'm delighted that show has finally touched on this. As always, thank you for stopping by :)

[amypond45.livejournal.com]

I love this. You really nail Sam’s anxiety about Lucifer and the Cage. He’s been locking those memories down tight for so long, it was really good to see him able to share with another victim, but also to try to explain himself to Dean. It’s a real step in the right direction for Sam. I hope he can continue to express that source of his despair in future episodes, since that’s obviously at the core of his feelings of failure over Jack and his mom. Well done!

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Thank you so very much for this sweet and thoughtful comment! I think it's great that we've finally heard about Sam's coping (or not coping) mechanisms for his cage trauma. It was great to see him opening up, and for it to be another victim makes so much sense to me. Like you say he's been locking things up for so long, and maybe we'll see him try to deal with it all for good in the upcoming episodes (maybe from Lucifer's death by Rowena's hands!) Thank you for stopping by :)

[stir-of-echoes.livejournal.com]

This was so heartfelt. It is so good to see Sam giving a voice to some of the trauma that was inflicted upon in the cage, and to someone who share's that trauma at the hands of Lucifer. Such a good read.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I'm so happy you enjoyed it! I couldn't resist focusing a little more on Sam and the aftermath of sharing his trauma with Rowena. I loved the idea that he tries to share it with Dean, but just doesn't quite manage it; skirting around the subject. Oh, these boys!!! Thank you for stopping by :)

[kalliel]

I absolutely adored this episode as well! <333 And your drabble is a pitch-perfect accompaniment. I love your rendition of that elusive quality of it all, impossible to escape but equally as possible to quite articulate.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

It was all kinds of wonderful, wasn't it!? I loved the idea that Sam's been trying but failing to quite tell Dean everything about his time in the cage with Lucifer; how he can't vocalize it, or maybe doesn't want to to protect Dean from reliving his own horrors. Thank you for your kind words ♥

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

I think you got it right that Sam just couldn't quite tell Dean the truth of what happened to him.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Sam sort of skirted around it at the end of episode, but didn't quite manage to tell Dean everything. Maybe it's something that he just can't share, or maybe there's also a part of him that wants to protect his brother from it all. Thanks for stopping by, it's always lovely to hear from you :)

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

I think he doesn't want Dean to hurt for him.



Sam told Rowena and the world didn't end, and he didn't crumble.
I think it's extremely positive that he expressed that horror, but you're right that he'll think the thing to do is smash it back down again.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think that's a huge part of it. I've also seen a few people say that maybe there's an element of protection there too, that maybe Sam doesn't want to expose that to Dean and bring up his own hell issues. It seems that locking it all away and not really dealing with it has been Sam's coping mechanism for years. I guess there's always been something more pressing to deal with, but I do wonder if maybe it's going to get addressed this season (especially if Rowena is the one to kill Lucifer?!) Thank you for stopping by :)

[zara-zee.livejournal.com]

I was so pleased that we got that acknowledgement of Sam's cage trauma. I mean, we got bits and pieces here and there, but never so starkly put.
The scene with Sam and Rowena, it made me think about Season 4 Dean's tearful, "You wouldn't understand and I could never make you understand." Sam knows Dean would listen, but despite Dean's own trauma, Sam couldn't make him understand the horror of Lucifer's true face. So why bring it up and risk bringing all Dean's trauma back up too?
But Rowena...she will understand; she's seen it. And if Sam can use his trauma to try to help someone else, then it's worth the price. So very Sammy. ♥
And yes, what else to do put push it all back down now. I love your final paragraph, the image of Sam sitting on the floor, back to the wall, fixing up the warding in his mind...

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's a wonderful point! That Sam couldn't ask Dean to understand seeing Lucifer's true face and how he wouldn't want to expose that to Dean and bring up his own hell trauma. It makes sense to me too that Sam would only talk to Rowena about it because she's seen it, and she does understand. It's a great way to sort of explain why we haven't seen Sam talk about it so openly before. I would like to see Sam deal with this is another way, rather than bury it all back down again; maybe witnessing Lucifer's final death by Rownea's hands would help to do that?! (Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part?!) Thank you for your thinky thoughts and kind words :)

[quickreaver.livejournal.com]

It's nigh impossible to verbalize the trauma one might've experienced in Hell, at the hands of demons and corrupted archangels. Dean couldn't do it, Sam can't either. And if Sam did, yeah, he risks triggering Dean's memories, Dean's guilt, dragging Sam's own terror to the surface, etc. Nothing is easy.

Was it just me, or did Dean seem a little dead-eyed through that last scene? Which might've been why Sam left abruptly, like, "Great, good talk." Sam has an awful habit of granting quarter to their frenemies, and it felt a bit like Dean might've been thinking "Again, Sam? Seriously?" but he didn't wanna go there, after all they're currently going through. For me, it was a really thinky scene; I dug it! And I dug your drabble, too. :)

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Yes!!!! And it was great to see this acknowledged; that yes, we haven't really heard Sam talk about it, but there's a reason for that; he just can't vocalize it, and why drag Dean into it and risk awakening his own hell trauma. Gosh, I love it so much (Broken boys are my addictive drug, and I'm not even ashamed of it!)

And I love the idea that Dean's a little upset/jealous that Sam and Rowena shared a boding moment, but how neither one of them really wants to bring that up (and this is a great excuse to watch that scene again ;) In the above comment Zara-zee mentions Dean's season 4 comment about how Sam "..wouldn't understand and I could never make you understand." I think while they both have hell traumas, maybe they are both so different, that neither could understand each other's experiences, and why revisit it and keep opening that wound, when maybe it's something that may never heal.

Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thinky thoughts. Take care lovely :)

[toratio.livejournal.com]

This is brilliant. And rings so true it might as well be canon.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I think some things are too hard to vocalize, but I liked the idea of Sam trying but failing to share it. And I can't see what else he can do, but lock all these feeling back down at this point. Let's hope it's not the last we've heard about them. Take care and thanks for stopping by :)

[skaredycat.livejournal.com]

Well done, very well written.

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

Thank you so very much for the lovely comment and for stopping by; I'm really happy you enjoyed it! :)